It is what it is

Grown and living my life. A simple life at that, but yet I complicate it with nonsense. One would disagree that a divorce is nonsense. This is true. It is in fact a very complicated mess. My parent's mess. Their marriage was a train headed for a derailment. The track had its bad spots along the way, but they stayed the course. THE BIG 50 was around the bend. The little engine that could, just couldn't anymore. Not a lot to say about how they got here. Marriage is a work in progress. Individual progress and together progress. Progress is good. They didn't have much of either. It's a team effort. Everyone needs to know where they're going and what the goal is. And even individual sports still require everyone's effort. Ready, set, go..WIN...or in this case..LOSE. At the end of this "nonsense" is a trail of broken ties, unkind words and untruths. This train will make its final stop, but the destination for each will continue on...in separate directions.

The track had derailed.. No, it had completely fallen apart. The beams rusted, the ties rotted from decay. Nothing left was salvageable, but she grabbed it all anyway.  Frayed bath towels, every sheet set, every kitchen item. She didn't leave him a single roll of toilet paper.  And guess what? That was okay with my dad. He didn't resist or fight. He didn't get upset. He simply walked away and never looked back. 

That was always my dad, though.  He never liked conflict. He was non confrontational. He didn't start fights and he never raised his voice. That was his downfall in their marriage. He was the doormat and she stomped all over it.   She was never satisfied. With him, with some of her kids. She was miserable in life with kids she didn't want. We all suffered. Some more than others. 

You know the saying, can't live with them and can't live without them ? That is what I saw from my mom. She wanted to be the one to say that SHE left on her terms and SHE took everything from him. She was proud to say that.  She is a narcissist. She had no room in her life for those who disagreed with her. She made it abundantly clear that SHE was in charge. Her way or the highway. That could have been her mantra honestly. When they divorced, I had thought she would move on from her anger and hatred and somehow accept peace. If she thought that he was the main cause for all of her suffering, then she was going to be okay, right? Not really.  She would spend the next 10 plus years demanding that those who wanted to be in her life should choose her side.  The hate and vitriol she spewed was a good indicator that she in fact and once again was NOT satisfied. Even though, EVEN THOUGH she walked away smelling like a rose. 

She eventually went on to meet a man 8 years her senior. They met at church I believe. Their origin story has never been shared and it seems like they didn't really have common friends so this is my assumption. They would eventually become close and soon she took charge of his care, the way she was unable to for my dad and her kids. She took this man to Dr appointments, church, the casino, to visit family and friends. Wherever and whatever they felt like doing, they did. All on her terms of course. They even traveled abroad to Spain where he has family.  I don't know what to make of their relationship as my house wasn't one she frequented. I did meet him though and he seemed nice enough. Despite everything, I was happy for her that she was finally moving on in her life.  Her hate stayed with her -still remains there to this day. 

What can be said for her life now? A woman so clearly lost in her own thoughts struggling to make sense of what is happening to her.  She knows how this will play out for now.   She knows there is no way out of this. There is nothing she can do. It's done.  Where she once stood toe to toe with anyone who dared, she stands in the space of time. Alone. Insecure. Scared. The persona of who she once was, is now a version of her that no one recognizes-including herself.   This is the last chapter in her life with Alzheimers Dementia.